Today I got a letter in the mail advertising graduation announcements and it hit me once again that I will be graduating from seminary. I am going to have Master's Degree, which really freaks me out. There are times when I still feel like a scared eighteen year old getting ready to start college. So now my future stretches out in front of me like a great unknown, which in many ways is okay with me. I sure wouldn't want to know when the bad things were going to happen, because then I would live in dread, and I wouldn't want to know when the good things were going to happen because then, they wouldn't be quite so surprising. So I think that as I sit here and feel somewhat anxious about my future, I will try to remember that ultimately God is in control, and relax and realize that He has a plan for my future, so I don't need to worry. If I am destined to make below poverty level for the rest of my life, then I must remember to do so with joy in my heart. Of course, I realize these words are easier written than followed!

Why is it that when I have to sit down and write a paper, I feel the need to play like a million games of Spider solataire, and I have like the worst writer's block!!!

What is it about insecurity that just can cripple a person? Twenty eight years and eleven months ago I was born. And probably from that point on I have struggled with feeling insecure about myself. I can look back and just see myself listening to the other babies in the nursery thinking "Well, they are crying, maybe I should be crying too." As I have grown up, there have been times that I have conquered it and then when i least expect it, the little voice in my head saying I'm not good enough will begin to sound itself loud and clear. In some cases, it has kept me from being the person who God created me to be. I can be outgoing and friendly one day and be scared of meeting new people the next. "What if they don't like me?" is still a question I ask at least every couple of Sundays, school days and any other day that it strikes me. How should I dress to be cool? What view should I express that will make me sound intelligent? These are the things that I wonder on a daily basis. Even what kind of music does my set of friends like? I used to worry that I would not know who I was because it was almost as if I changed my personality for whichever group I was a part of. But now I realize that I don't necessarily do that. I just hide the parts of myself that I am not sure fit in. In the mean time, I am honest enough to know that I am not cool, hip or edgy in any way. One of my favorite things to do is to sing as loud as I can and dance when I am in my car. I also like to dance in my apartment, read stupid books that require no brain function and watch movies that make me go all mushy in the middle. I am a hopeless romantic, who has a cynical side that says romace can't happen for me, and yet I want it anyway. I am a scared little girl when it comes to scary movies, but would fight to the death to protect someone in trouble. I am the sweet girl who always wanted to be something other than the sweet girl, because the sweet girls get run over all the time. I AM A PUSHOVER!!! I am the sarcastic girl who after saying things hopes she didn't hurt feelings. These are the things about me that are real. As I write thes, I think, maybe it doesn't matter if I am insecure, because maybe everyone else is too, and we all just live with some sort of front on in our lives. Maybe this is way Jesus dealt with people the way he did, because he knew their fronts and saw past them to their humanity. Their mushy centers hiding behind their shells. It is not like this is a new revelation to me, I just think that I have to be reminded of it everyday.